


winter coffee

by pa_x (orphan_account)



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fic, Fluff, High School, M/M, Sad, Shy, Weight Issues, whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 13:12:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2582597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pa_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where Brendon is insecure, takes medication for hyperactivity and is not sure if the cute boy he met on the parking lot likes him as much as he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	winter coffee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RMPBP](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RMPBP/gifts).



> not sure where this came from, first ryden fic on here, first lengthy fic on the internet, wow hello internet, what am i saying? i am not making sense.
> 
> ok, thoughts on the first chapter:  
> it has things on it, you see, i'm trying to start _a thing_. but whatever, i need to finish this and stop procrastinating, i would love to know what people think of this! 
> 
> if anybody catches typos or anything please let me know!
> 
> sorry if it's not good enough!!! trying to improve my writing, working for it

Daisies on every front yard from every polished house on the street. Children playing with toys, little tiny sticky sugary fingers and plastic trucks and pale porcelain dolls. The sun shined through the day and the clouds never covered the blue sky completely, warm weather and hot summers, the perfect family neighborhood that was oh so perfect for rising a kid, or for a family to settle down and their kids to grow up. The perfect neighborhood for a new Mormon family to move in and share family dinners and go to church and have grandchildren and die.

Boyd and Grace Urie were, as you'd expect, the young, cheerful couple with one beautiful and graceful daughter and two other handsome boys to move in. Their children were the epitome of kindness and their strict religion made them more innocent than kids their age. Sharing two bedrooms, (Kara, the eldest one and the only girl had the privilege of having her own room) and growing up together taught the kids that things would never be the way they wanted but the way God made out from them. The kids were normal and joyful for most of the time.

Brendon was the youngest, Brendon was ten years old when they arrived to Vegas.

**  
**  


Brendon was small and had the brownest eyes, just like his mom. Brendon hadn't given a second thought to his parents decision on moving all across the country from Ohio to Vegas, he never had close friends and Dad was always right, wasn't he? Soon enough the family was completely settled and the kids had started attending a new school. The new family soon faded into the neighborhood and the comfortable routine took over the house before someone could argue.

Months went on smoothly, Kara graduated two years after moving and Zach (the second eldest brother) was starting his last year with honors. Everything everyone expected from the perfect Mormon family.

When Brendon was thirteen he knew he had no rights to argue about why he wasn't so sure if he believed in God and what his Dad said and why he thought his family wasn't the best one if there were people dying in other countries. Brendon didn't like his family all that much.

Brendon had been told by the family doctor two months ago that he should start taking medicine for hyperactivity so his mom listened and obeyed (like the only thing she usually did, "I think Brendon might suffer from severe ADHD" followed by his son's voice "I don't think that's even possible"). A month ago Brendon had started swallowing two pills a day, one when he woke up and one before dinner. A month ago Brendon couldn't sit still, now, well, Brendon was groggy due to the 'accommodating to his system' phase and didn't do much other than go to school, get to his house, sleep, eat, homework, eat, sleep. It was tiring to move and Brendon was taught to obey what his parents said, so he never thought about hiding the white little capsules somewhere else than in his mouth.

Brendon was worried he might never be able to run without falling asleep again.

One night, at dinner, Brendon and his siblings sat at the table, Brendon not that hungry but feeling kind of like a glutton because he wasn't exactly 'starving', was filling his own plate and his family's (like his mom had instructed him to do) with mashed potatoes, roasted beef and vegetables.

Brendon quickly dug into his meal avoiding conversation, he wasn't in the mood for communication, at school he had had two tests in Math and Spanish and he wasn't so sure if he had done good on them. Brendon knew his Dad would get mad, somehow, his Dad only ever got mad at Brendon.

"Brendon slow down, you're going to choke with broccoli" Grace's voice could qualify as worried or angered, Brendon wasn't sure. Brendon, whatsoever, stopped swallowing mouthfuls from his fork and looked at his lap, he flushed and white spots blurred his vision. He was so embarrassed and didn't know why.

An agonizing silence was filling Brendon's ears before Zach started an inane conversation with Kara so the tension Brendon had been absorbed with so suddenly could disappear.

Too soon his Dad clearing his throat interrupted Brendon's train of thought.

"You should cut down on what you eat, boy." A frown adorned his Dad's forehead and his bushy eyebrows melted together. "The pills have made you lazy, you're going to ruin your body."

Brendon wished that the ground would swallow him, he was hyperventilating and trying to hide it, embarrassment was something that wasn't easily manageable for the boy, he had never felt so lightheaded (except for when once when he was seven he fainted because he hit his head with the old coffee table). It was an understanding to say Brendon ended up with that memory stuck on his head, Brendon continued to remember that night for a few years, it wasn't erased even when a few years later he hit his head again with a softball ball at the P.E. class.

Over the years Brendon didn't ever stop permanently from taking his medicine but there were bouts of time, small periods were he would stop completely and then just take one pill per day and then be responsible and control his problem with the pharmacological prescription his mom re-filled for him every month and a half.  Yes, Brendon couldn't keep always up with the prescriptions but he tried and then failed because he realized that it wasn't who he wanted to be.

Brendon's Dad never really showed any kind of affection towards the youngest, Brendon's Dad never really stopped himself from saying things to Brendon. Brendon was never really important under his Dad's critical gaze, so the kid's self esteem continued to fall every single moment he shared with his paternal figure, so the kid was never as much as his siblings were under his own eyes or his Dad's.

When Brendon was fourteen he lost the twenty pounds he had gained after starting with his ADHD treatment with a strict diet and hard sessions of workout on the park and his earphones, he stopped taking his pills for the first short period of time, always working harder, eating less, being fueled by the embarrassment and comments people produced and made. In the end he lost other ten pounds and for the first time his Dad didn't talk about Brendon with malice in his eyes.

Brendon's calm demeanor and laziness the pills brought again lead him to gain the weight back and other five extra pounds, he spent a long time bingeing and just simply not caring about it until the year ended, Brendon hated his eating habits, Brendon knew he had developed a mania about not eating in front of anyone and he knew that maybe he was too self conscious about what he did eat and he didn't. Brendon knew he binged when he was alone, only sometimes he forgot and ended up swallowing too much food.

His life was drastically demarcated by weight fluctuations when he was sixteen. He was still taking pills for his ADHD and he was soon starting the school year in a new high school. Brendon was at his thinnest, the relationship with his Dad was at his worst whatsoever.

Brendon had a newly found self control and he was quiet most of the days he spent in his house. Sadly, over the years he could never maintain more than one or two friends.

those weren't particularly close nor spent time with him on the sunny station, so he was spending summer alone. His brother was on his second year of university and luckily, the Uni was close enough for him to still stay with them in the house, Kara had just came back from England with a shining degree in medicine, she had found a job in the public hospital just around the corner as a pediatric nurse.

"I am Brendon Urie," everytime he crossed a mirror he would look closely from affar and just repeat said sentence in his head, he was Brendon Urie after all, wasn't he?

"I am Brendon Urie."

Remember to eat, remember to not, he tried to draw a line sometimes, most times he couldn't.

**  
**  


The first day of his sophomore year of high school was awkward. Brendon swore that maybe he could even meet someone in that cliche-ed way and that they could be friends and finally not be alone.

That would not happen, not outside soap operas. 

he sat through the classes silent and listening to the teachers talk, he swallowed his pills and a hamburger the first day, he couldn't make himself care after that horrible day (and because he could afford it, he had lost another pound -not that he was aiming for it, it just kind of sort of happened) and then left to his house were he slept until someone knocked on his door and Zach went to sleep on his bed at the other side of the room.

The next morning wasn't so glorious as he realized that he had a pimp on his cheek. Please, God, why?

The days became a routine, days passed by and weeks merely went noticed by the change of weather. Brendon was getting tired of high school already until he was late to classes one day.

"Mam I'm sorry, it won't happen again I swear!" Brendon pleaded on the entrance. His disheveled hair was nothing but unattractive and his red glasses were about to fall from the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry, I can't let you in, you can go home or stay for detention. "

"But the car broke down-"

"Already told you, I'm sorry." Then the secretary shooed him away.

Fuck,

No.

His eyes stung with unshed tears, his nails dug in his palm's flesh and so, he kicked a garbage can. He hadn't taken his pills, he hadn't done anything wrong other than that, why did he oversleep? His Dad would find out soon enough.

the garbage spread all over the pavement.

he groaned after that, pulling a little on his hair that was starting to look shaggy after too long without getting a haircut.

He decided to sit on the parking lot, (he didn't own a car but there wasn't much else to do) crossing his legs he held his head with both of his hands, closing his eyes as hard as he could. The wind kept fucking up his hair even more and it made his skin cringe and freeze.

"well, fuck"

but he wasn't the one who said it. He heard footsteps and suddenly a body collapsed to the floor near Brendon emitting a soft thump. Brendon didn't raise his head, it wasn't a problem if someone wanted to sit somewhere near him but he was kind of confused, who was this person?

He lifted his face a few minutes of silence later when he heard a lighter ignite and faced the foggy cigarette smoke that had invaded his nostrils. There was a frail looking body dressed in different shades of black and grey curled in itself. He was resting his right forearm on his knees, over it his face was hiding and his left arm hung with a cig between his pointer and middle finger.

"Sorry, thought you're sleeping or something" the boy muttered without looking up, Brendon cleared his throat and repressed a yawn while he dug the heel of his hands on his eyes, trying to clear his vision.

With a practiced notion the boy flickered his wrist and the ashes fell from the tip of the tobacco, he raised his head with the eyes closed and wrapped his lips around the filter sucking in as much smoke one drag could allow him.

"I can put it out if it bothers you" his monotonous voice filled the wind in Brendon's ears.

"No..." Brendon cleared his throat and tripped on his words, he really tried to sound calmer than he had been a few minutes ago, he really tried to sound more confident than he was feeling "don't worry 'bout that, uh" he looked to the floor without meaning it "my name is Brendon by the way."

The rough undertones from Brendon's voice scratched against his own eardrums making him flinch on the inside.

"Hi Brendon, I'm Ryan"

 _Ryan_ responded.

Brendon was silent for a moment and then forced himself to look at Ryan, who was staring back at him. Ryan's eyes were warm and impressively green nearing the exterior, Ryan had hazel eyes.

"I like your hair" his voice wasn't inflected with any kind of emotion but Ryan was smiling kind of crookedly seemingly with no bad intentions.

"Thank you," Brendon didn't really had to blush, his cheeks were already red from the cold, Brendon also didn't know what to reply, he wasn't really good receiving compliments, "I like your eyes"

Ryan smiled shyly and took a last drag from his cigarette before stomping the butt on the pavement.

"I need coffee, too early to function"

"I know a coffeehouse right on the corner, it's cozy" Brendon wrapped his arms around his legs, he didn't know anything about social life and how it worked "it has really good muffins and hot chocolate... It really is the coziest place I've been to."

Ryan chuckled, he was sure he was going to regret it later if he refused the invitation, Brendon was surely the cutest guy he'd seen at his high school.

"Yeah, that'd be awesome..." Ryan smiled again, Brendon liked the smile on his face.

They walked a few blocks in silence, Ryan wrapping his hands on his torso and keeping silence while Brendon dug his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. Brendon hummed under his breath and looked at the horizon the whole time, he didn't dare look at Ryan. The day was really chilly, it was nearing Christmas, and usually the cafe was really busy in the mornings but it was almost nine o'clock so the early risers should start heading to their offices soon.

"We're here" Brendon felt bad for importunating the peaceful  silence they'd fallen into but they were finally outside the small store. Ryan just nodded looking around and Brendon held the door open for Ryan, (Ryan thought that he was just being polite, maybe) and they entered the building being greeted by a warm interior and the strong smell of coffee.

"we can go find a table and then order, or maybe order first... I don't know"

"Just... Let's go order first" Ryan was acting really smiley and calm, he was trying to hold the morning events inside of a little box in the back of his mind, he wasn't really the kind of person to explode, he preferred to wait until he could think and was alone, besides, Brendon was a really nice kid, he didn't deserve his bad mood (well, and maybe, perhaps, Ryan was trying to cause an impression).

"Ok," Brendon was tired and frustrated, Brendon was exhausted, he had been late for school in the first place because he hadn't taken his medication for about three days in a row and he had a restless, sleepless night. He had pointedly taken the pill this morning in front of Mom and he had taken a banana from his kitchen.

"What are you gonna order?" Ryan spoke casually while he looked at the different kinds of coffees he could have.   

Before Brendon could answer the cashier cheerily greeted him.

"Brendon! Man, I haven't seen you in a long time!" It was Jon Walker, the only person outside the few lab partners he's had he could consider something else than an acquaintance .

"Hi Jon," Brendon shyly said, he wasn't really expecting  him working that day. "How's it been?"

"Hectic," he responded while Ryan eyed them interested. "New Year's eve is going to be crazy"

He sighed dramatically before continuing "we need to catch up kid,"

"Jon you're just one year older than me, stop calling me kid"

"Well ye-" he cut himself when he gazed to the side and his eyes turned into two surprised balls.

"Ryan Ross! I haven't seen you in ages!"

Wait, what? Brendon was confused and disorientated after Ryan pulled out from a hug with Jon, they must have been close.

"He is in a class just below me! Or well, _was_ " Jon exclaimed explaining Brendon. Jon had graduated last year, Brendon had been informed of that in one of his numerous trips to that cafe during the previous two years, it was the only place his parents allowed him to go alone because it was near his house and his Dad's work place. "We used to talk all the time, didn't we Ry?" Jon eyed him and blinked several times

"Yeah, we did" Ryan was smiling slightly, "How have you been? Spencer told me that you two went for coffee last week. " Jon ignored the question and looked accusingly at Brendon.

"Brendon why didn't you tell me you're dating Ryan"

Brendon's face went as pale as it could get, he hadn't told Jon he was gay, he never had opened up about that, he wasn't even sure if Ryan was gay.

"Um, We just met" Brendon's face flushed when he said that and white spots blurred his vision once again just like every time he got embarrassed by something.

Brendon couldn't look at Ryan.

"Oh, I just thought, well..." Jon shrugged, "it doesn't matter,"

Jon laughed and then Ryan opened his mouth to talk "yeah, you little fuck. I would have told you if I was dating someone" and then he laughed it off.

Brendon could breath properly (without feeling his heartbeat flutter) again once they stopped their friendly (Ryan's was a little awkward) laugh. Then Jon just smiled, lazy like a bear. Brendon really wished he had a best friend  like Jon, unfortunately, they were just barely friends

"Ok, let's go out someday, that way we can hang out and if you 'just met' you could get to know each other a little better." Jon took his notepad and pressed the tip from a black ink pen to a blank page imitating a writing notion with a flick of his wrist. "What can I get you

"Maybe a muffin? you're looking skinny Bren, you could even compete against Ryan!"

"I'm not that skinny" Ryan and Brendon both said in unison.  

Brendon was kind of flattered because Jon had noticed he was finally down on his normal weight again (maybe a few pounds less). And even though Brendon couldn't compete against Ryan's bony appearance as Jon has said he was quite content with the comparison.

Ryan just flushed and looked to the floor while Brendon ordered hot chocolate and a muffin.

"So Ry, what do you want hottie?" Jon wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Just black coffee Jon, and don't treat me like a girl."

"Are you sure you don't want something to eat man?" Jon sounded disappointed but he tried to not let it get to him as Ryan politely denied.

"Ok, hot chocolate, a strawberry muffin and black coffee, just sit, I'll go and give it to you"

They both thanked Jon and took a nice little table at the back. The wallpaper had patterned flowers and the place had a red fluffy carpet covering the hard floor. The table was made out of a dark wood and went good with the chairs, Ryan rested his back against the chair and sighed.

"So... you

Jon"

"Yeah, I do" Brendon studied his hands and smiled and then stopped himself.

Brendon cleared his throat (it kind of hurt so he started to suspect that he might be getting sick) and breathed in trying to regain some courage to ask the next question.

"Are you... Are you like,

"gay?"

Ryan cleared his throat as well, "would that-

 

 

, would that be a problem?" he would not be disappointed if Brendon had a problem or if he wasn't interested in boys, he couldn't be disappointed.   

Brendon swallowed once and tried to dissolve the tension on his throat, "That would make me kind of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?” he hesitated for a millisecond and then just blurted it out "I mean, ye-yes, considering the fact that I am."

Ryan was smiling, Ryan was almost beaming.

"Are you like," Ryan looked down at the nalkins on the table "out yet? 

"No, I'm not, I think Jon kind of guessed it" he sighed but didn't feel bad anymore. "How old are you?"

"I am eightteen"

Ryan took off a black scarf that hung from his pale neck, "how old are _you_?

?"

"I will be eightteen on april"  


"How come I've never seen you before?"

"I'm one year behind and I'm a new student, well, I've been here for almost two months but still new." Brendon was looking anywhere but at Ryan, he didn't like telling people how he had been held back in kindergarten because he was too immature to pass the grade.

"Oh, that's really normal in this high school, most of the students are one or two years behind"

"Is it?"

Ryan didn't have a chance of replying, Jon came with their order singing Taxman in a faux English accent.

"Shut up Jon." Ryan muttered.

"Why? Don't you love me, mate?" Jon was setting two plates, a yellow mug, a pot with steaming coffee and Brendon's hot chocolate "I know you Ryan Ross, I know you love The Beatles, mate!" The faux accent dripped over the words.

Ryan sighed audibly while Brendon smiled internally,

"Wait Jon! we didn't order-"

"Shut up Ryan, just enjoy a little present!" He yelled walking back to the register.

Ryan stared at the slices of pie that Jon had brought to the table, Brendon was looking kind of guilty when he started to pick on his muffin, tearing little crumbs and slowly putting them in his mouth.

"So you were late today," Ryan pointedly ignored the plate in front of him and went for the coffee, he wasn't hungry, at all. His stomach has been churning ever since last night's events and he needed caffeine, he was about to fall asleep. "Is always like that when you are not in time?" Brendon finished his sentence and then swallowed a gulp of hot chocolate, the delicious, creamy, heavenly drink.

"Sadly it is, last year they imposed the rule 'cause no one would stay to detention if they didn't make them somehow" Ryan held the mug of steaming coffee like it was dear life, his lace like fingers looking elegant against the yellow porcelain.

Brendon tried to stop staring so much at the purple splotches under Ryan's eyes, he surely didn't got much sleep.

"So...

"I haven't seen you 'til this morning, as I was saying before" Ryan's unafected voice and the background music were relaxing(a mix between old and rock and roll songs and different Britannic genres that went well with the atmosphere)

Brendon was amazed it was

He was talking to someone and he felt like he wasn't fucking it up. As far as he knew Ryan was the nicest person after Jon he had ever talked to. Brendon smiled once again and talked about the Mormon family that moved into Vegas, he talked about Christmas and Music but he didn't talk about how he didn't believe God existed nor self image nor his Dad.

But he thought about it, he was freely talking to Ryan, smiling and laughing and having a good time, his stomach was also sort of flipping every time he got a reaction from the cute boy in front of him.

Brendon had tried to eat at a slow pace, Brendon tried to not mind the apple pie sitting over the table that Ryan hadn't even looked at. He wondered why Ryan didn't even acknowledge the fact he had eaten that big muffin completely and also wondered why Ryan hadn't even touched his slice of pie while Brendon was seriously thinking about devouring his.

After a moment where Ryan appeared to be specially lost in his head he silently said "this apple pie is really good"

Brendon was confused again and kind of lost at the same time.

"Why don't you eat it?" Brendon had noticed how Ryan had downed the pot of coffee rather quickly.

"I'm not feeling like it," Ryan sighed and scrunched up his face while he pinched the bridge of his nose. Brendon patiently waited until Ryan opened his eyes again "do yo... have you ever had that- you know..." He hesitated. "Never mind" he chuckled kind of sadly "I'm really tired, didn't even bring  my house keys” Ryan lied, he had his house keys, “He just didn't want to go there to his dad's stubbornness and wrath.

Brendon didn't want to pry, they'd just met, but he was a little disappointed in the fact that he wasn't truthful enough for Ryan to confide in... Maybe he was just being too self-centered and Ryan was just a little private with his problems.

"You should try the apple pie though, I promise it's the best pie you'd ever grace your tongue with"

Brendon hesitated for a second, he was doubting Ryan wasn't thinking that he had eaten like a pig. Brendon felt overly conscious of his actions as he raised the fork to his lips and ate the small portion of pie. It was really good, they kept chattering for a while, Ryan was a very peculiar and interesting person. Brendon realized that when he really liked something it would have the smallest inflection over his monotonous voice and that he would bit his lip in a shy motion.

Brendon decided he really liked Ryan and that he would love to get to really know him, he was graceful and tidy when he expressed himself.

And Ryan, well, he was kind of transfixed with Brendon's thick lips when they wrapped against the fork.

"I should leave, Mom will get the call from school and she'll be mad if I'm not back at the house" Brendon felt the need to explain.

"Oh, I see... " Ryan was slightly desperate for company in this moment, he didn't want to be left alone right then but he wasn't about to make him stay just for him... He could always talk to Jon right? Well, he preferred to talk to the adorable guy that continuously tapped his foot in the floor without really noticing how good his geeky glasses looked on him.

Brendon looked apologetic "I'm sorry, I was having fun

, he scolded himself. Ryan smiled slightly.

"We could always hang out at school or other time, I mean..." He took his phone out "would you give me your number? Like, to talk or whatever" he flushed a little when he asked but his voice showed no emotion apart from the little smile he had on his face.

Brendon put his name into Ryan's phone, and saved the contact.

"Ok, you can text me so I can add you to my contact list, just whenever you have time..." He was beaming on the inside.

"I guess we will see each other later"

"Yes, I think so"

Brendon left the cafe paying for his order and saying bye to Jon, he promised he would visit next week.

Brendon left the cafe smiling wide, with a welcomed aftertaste from their casual encounter feeling hopeful for some weird reason.

**  
**  
  
  


 

 


End file.
